oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
