either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
