Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
