I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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