I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
