What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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