I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I need to align my fucking chakras
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
