she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
