Whod you bang
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
