Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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