sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
