my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
