my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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