she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
