i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
