I should be sponsored by Trojan
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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