Taylor Swift is so right about you.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
