i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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