Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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