I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
