He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
