to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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