she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
