im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
