I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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