my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
