i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
