Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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