Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
