what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
