Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
