Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
