plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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