Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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