wanna go halves on a baby?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
