Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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