why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
