I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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