everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
In America we eat man semen.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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