Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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