i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
