a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
