I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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