I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
