when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
