I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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