Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
is that a dick in a sweater?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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