now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
