dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
