My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
