sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
