My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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